12.7 On Schooled

High school was a bitch. It was the most awkward stage ever. Lots of drama. I think a lot of people can relate to this narrative because of the different characters. A person can fit himself in any of the characters. I envision this to be a television dramedy on a local television network. Imagine putting a teen star studded ensemble together? The masses would it eat it up. This narrative is just the pilot of the series.

12.6 On It Only Take One

It's the regular boy-meets-girl kind of story and everything turns out great in the end despite the mishaps that happen in between. If I were to expand this narrative, I'd probably rearrange the sequences and maybe show it another character's point of view. I enjoyed writing this only because I was able to talk about my past relationships and create the perfect boyfriend character.

12.5 On Best Friends For Never

I think I tried to do something different in this narrative because I began in the end and then the flashbacks served as the supporting events that led to the beginning scene. Unfortunately, I don't think this was very well-written and the ideas were all over the place. I wish I could re-write it. I don't think this will ever interest anyone. I guess this is what happens when you try something different. It doesn't always work out the way you want it to. I don't see this moving forward at all or expanding in to something bigger.

12.4 On Camiso De Chino

I think out of all the 7 instant stories, this has got to be my favorite. I tried to do the type of thing Sir Groyon said about having a solid event to serve as your clothesline and things happen around it, and these events may be from the past. Something similar to the way Sana Dati was presented. I decided that my clothesline would be the journey of the protagonist to her province to go to the wake of her grandfather. The events shown from the past are the things that built the relationship of the protagonist and her grandfather. I also made sure these memories are presented in threes because I remember Sir Groyon saying something about the number three being a magic number in narratives. I enjoyed writing this because the memories were my memories with my grandfathers, both of whom are already in the afterlife. Death is a very heavy thing to experience but it doesn't always have to be a depressing story to tell because you'll always have the good memories to make you smile.

12.3 On Drugs and Death

I think the themes of this narrative is very apparent in a normal college student's life. Drug abuse is not a joke, and so is dealing them. I know so many people that deal drugs to their friends. I know people that have gotten extremely addicted and sick because of their addiction. It really isn't a joke to be doing drugs. I mean, even doing it once is already very hazardous because there is a possibility that when you try it once, you immediately get addicted. I heard that's what its like for people who take ecstasy and cocaine. I think this narrative shows how much drugs can lead you towards a downward path. You make think it's cool or you can get rich by selling it just like the character of Mike but despite the external "goodness" of dealing drugs, Mike is already on a downward spiral because he's turning out to be a murderer. Look how much Enzo has lost in the process. A pretty and smart girl was interested in him but got turned off because of his life choices. He got expelled from school. He also got killed in the end. There is never anything good that comes out of taking drugs. Yeah, you may feel a temporary good kind of high when you take these drugs but the negative effects are always going to be permanent.

12.2 On Sick

I find gay men very interesting, like I have some sort of affinity towards them. It's nice to hear their different stories about coming out, falling in love, and being in fights with fellow gay men. What is very relevant at the moment is the increasing aids and HIV reports among gay men. I mean, I've heard the term aids when I was about 7 years old. People should really be more careful and aware of its existence. It is something one can prevent. It's not like cancer that it can be hereditary or a surprise when you're 50 years old. Aids and HIV CAN be avoided. People should understand that instead of spreading around a disease. Maybe this narrative can be turned into a short awareness film.

12.1 On Tristan

Even the psychological problems should not be pushed aside. People must also be careful with what they say because one offensive comment that a person didn't mean to say or to be hurtful may result to severe consequences. I imagine this to be an indie short film. It isn't stylized to suit Hollywood films. There is an open ending in this story. In a way, it is like a hero-leaves-home kind of narrative. I mean, not because it really is about a main character that leaves home and picks up a prostitute but because he is pushed to do something he wouldn't have normally done, which is to pick up a prostitute. I enjoyed writing this. I find that writing in another person's perspective of a news article is very helpful.

11.7 Schooled

Franco is seen in a jeep and he sees a person sleeping beside him and her iphone 5 unattended. He says "para" and gets the phone on his way down. he's seen walking towards a village. Sam is buttoning his Fred Perry polo and gets two folders from his table. He hands the other one to Franco. Sam is surprisingly intelligent but he doesn’t want his friends to know that he was the valedictorian of his batch before. Kyle is a good guy, he wants to please everyone especially his parents and his friends. His dad pushes him to work on his college application. Instead of complaining, he says yes to whatever his father will say. Julienne is getting ready for school choosing from her wide range of designer things. She goes down to have breakfast with her dad only to find out her father left already. Just as Kyle is near, she calls him to ask where he is. He picks her up and they both head to school. Jamie is picked up by Sam. She asks Sam and Franco if they did their homework for calculus. Jamie is a nerdy girl who wants to be popular just like everyone she’s friends with.

Ted is seen practicing Muay Thai as he prepares for a competition. He gets way too intense when he’s in the zone and almost chokes his partner. He rushes to school leaving his partner and his coach. Annika is with her mom. She’s the new girl in school and she’s awfully nervous. When she enters the school, she sees Kyle and Trish standing beside some of the nicest cars parked. Sam, Jamie, and Franco all walk towards Trish and Kyle. Sam tells Jamie to leave and they’ll see each other later. Trish is surprised and asks Sam why he was talking to her but he couldn’t answer. Franco makes up an excuse that she did their homework for them. Kyle jokes that Jamie might have a crush on them that’s why she’s willing to finish their homework.

Just as the bell rang, they made their way to class. Franco asks where Ted is but the professor suddenly enters the room and immediately checks the attendance. Annika enters shyly and nervously. The teacher introduces her to the whole class just as Ted enters the room panting.

During the lunch break, Annika walks in the cafeteria with no table to sit in. Kyle asks her to sit with them and Trish gets jealous but sets aside her jealousy and puts on a fake smile.

After class, going home, Kyle tells Trish that he has to go to his dad’s office and he won’t be able to drive her home. Trish then rides with Sam home. Sam immediately texts Jamie not to meet him up after school because he has “something to do.” Jamie sees the text and gets pissed off. She knows that she and Sam could never be seen holding hands or kissing in public. She knows their relationship should never be revealed to his friends. But what happened earlier made her want to reveal their little “secret.”

Franco says he’ll just stay first but he waits for the others to leave before he commutes. Annika sees him and tries to say hi but she sees him steal someone’s wallet. He’s about to ride a jeep but Annika stops him and tells him she’ll commute with him. He tries to make an excuse but Annika says she saw what he did but she won’t tell anyone as long as he returns it which he does. They eventually go to a restaurant and Franco tells her about him hiding the truth about his family’s situation and how they ended up being poor, eventually they go home, commuting together.

Kyle fights with dad about what course to choose for college and storms off in his car to go home. Ted is with Sam and Trish on their way home and Annika tells them how annoyed she is with Kyle for inviting Annika to hang out with them. Ted tells her to try muay thai. It helps him release some steam. Annika is dropped off and is greeted with an empty dinner table and she doesn’t eat because he dad didn’t come home for dinner again. Sam is at home doing his homework and then Ted is at home and fights with parents. Dad beats him and he fights back dad is found unconscious.

11.6 It Only Takes One

Did you know that the average Asian dick is about 4 inches long? Cecile didn't know this until she saw a penis up close when she hooked up with one of her friends. People began spreading rumors about her being a slut. She was so bothered because it happened one time. How can that make her a slut?

The rumors about her were being talked about for a couple of months. She began to lose self esteem. She began to fear people and the hateful things they'd say about her. She doesn't like confrontation but she can't do anything about it. She can't find the courage to stand up for herself. She found people to be so unforgiving. Once you've made a mistake, they completely forget about all the other good things you've done for them. She can't help it but she's so affected, even if she doesn't want to be. When she thinks that the rumors have died down, it always resurfaces. She admits to herself that she's accepted her mistake but she can't understand why others can't.

He met this guy during this low point of her life. She was so ashamed to meet people in the past because of the rumors people were spreading about her. This guy started to talk to her and she couldn't resist only because it was a breath of fresh air. It was like this guy didn't hear all those nasty rumors about her. He admitted to her that he started to have feelings for her. She entertained the thought only because he wasn't part of her social circle. He paid attention to her despite the rumors going around. She was never embarrassed to be around him. She wasn't shy to show him her personality. In the back of her mind, she hoped that he has never heard any of the rumors because she didn't want him to think differently of her.

One day, he tells her that he heard people talking about her. He didn't like what they were saying. They approached and interrogated him. They asked him why he was dating me despite the rumors. He told her that he told them that he didn't care because he loved her and he knew that she was nothing like what people were saying. He stood up for her. It didn't matter to him if the rumors were true or not. He made her feel loved and protected. He taught her not to care about what other people thought of her. Whenever she had a problem, she could always count n him to support and make her feel better. He assures her that everything will be all right. He taught her to find happiness despite the difficulties that surrounded her. He made everything better.

11.5 Best Friends For Never

An unseen gunman shoots Denise straight between the eyes.

The bell rings. Penny is walking in the university's quadrangle. Penny has always been everyone's favorite. She was perfect. She is seen smiling. No one said hi to her, which she found very unusual. People were giving her weird looks. She catches up with her friend, Denise, and asks her is she noticed that people were giving her weird looks. Denise confides in her that a lot of nasty rumors has been going around. Denise was honest to tell her that she was starting to believe these rumors.

The weekend before Penny found out about the rumors, there was a huge party in Jack's house. Jack is Penny's boyfriend. A lot of things happened that night. The party was filmed and was spread online.

Penny found her boyfriend near the cafeteria. She asked him what happened that weekend because she doesn't remember a thing from that night. Jack shot her a nasty look. He tells her that they aren't even together. Penny doesn't understand. She broke up with Jack during the party and got extremely wasted.

Penny went home to watch the video. She sees herself hooking up with someone she doesn't even know. The video also shows Jack kissing someone but she can't tell who. She kept going back to that scene. She looked shocked because she finally figured out who the girl is.

Penny invited her friends to come over because she was throwing a party. She told Denise to come earlier to help her set up. She confronts Denise and shoots her in between the eyes. It was Denise who hooked up with Jack. No one ever found out that it was her.

She continues to walk around school with a smile on her face. Some people still give her strange looks but she doesn't mind because they don't know the real secret she's hiding, and that's killing her best friend.

11.4 Camiso De Chino

Alex is lying down on her bedroom floor. Her neighbor's dog is barking incessantly. She closes her eyes and remembers getting bitten by a dog in her province.

She was in her cousin's house waiting for her grandfather, who was talking to her uncle. Her cousin's dog was lying down when she decided to pet it. It suddenly bit her. Afterwards, the dog began to bark like crazy. Her arm started to bleed a bit. She screamed out to her grandfather for help. Her grandfather chuckled. She frowned at him at confusion. She forced him to bring her to the doctor to give her anti-rabies shots. He told her that he'd bring her to a "mantatandok" instead. A mantatandok is an Ilocano term used for someone who can get the rabies out of a person's system after he or she is bitten by a rabid dog. Her grandfather was with her through the entire process. It was scary at first but it was just like getting a ventosa massage except the bite wound is cut open using a blade. Her grandfather tells her she's not allowed to take a bath for a day. She looked worried. This look made her grandfather chuckle.

"You'll be okay," he says with a comforting smile.

A phone begins to ring. She opens her eyes. It's her phone. Someone from her grandfather's house in the province is calling her. She answers it. They tell her her grandfather has just passed away. Tears begin to fall from her eyes. She began to quickly pack a few of her clothes and headed to the bus station.

On the way to the province, she passed by several farms. She began to tear up again. She thought of her grandfather. She could never remember a time where he didn't wear his thinning white camiso-de-chino. He was such a simple man. He'd always match his white shirt with shorts and slippers you can buy from the palengke. She remembers the time when she was around 6 years old and had woken up around 6 in the morning. She was the only one awake aside from her grandfather. She was never close to her grandfather before that time so she didn't talk when she saw him awake. He asked her if she wanted to go to the farm with him. She willingly went because she has never had a bonding experience with her grandfather. They rode in silence. The wind blew in her hair. They fed chicks. After a while, they went back home. He made a cup of coffee. She wanted to try so he made her a cup. He taught her to dip the white bread in to the coffee. She tried this and it was so good that up to this date, that's how she takes her coffee.

She didn't notice she fell asleep on the bus. She must have been so tired from crying. She got off at her stop and walked towards the house. It was the month of the town's fiesta so there were a lot of kids roaming around near the fair grounds. She saw an old man walking with his child sitting on his shoulders.

As she was walking towards her grandfather's house, she remembered that after their bonding experience, he began to grow fond of her, and vice versa. He would always carry her on top of his shoulders. He was the kind of person who could lift you up emotionally, she thought. She felt so big and tall whenever she was on her grandfather's shoulders. He made her feel important. He never failed to make her feel special, most especially when she is on his shoulders.

She reached the front door of her grandfather's house. There were a lot of people there but she couldn't look at anyone. She kept her head down. She took a deep breath and opened the door and went straight for his grandfather's coffin. She slowly lifted her head to look at his corpse. He was wearing the thinning white camiso-de-chino. A tear fell from her eyes. He lived simple in this life and he'd continue to live simply in the afterlife.

11.3 Drugs and Death

Enzo is a tan college kid. His hair is done into dredlocks and is tied by a string to make it look like a ponytail. He's in class. His professor just gave a quiz. He made sure he sat next to the pretty smart girl in hopes that he'd be able to cheat off of her. He sneaked a peek at her answers and he copied it. After, he decided to talk to the girl.

"Picturan mo yung quiz para magamit natin when we review," He said with a smile.

"Meron na. Meron din akong picture nung mga dating quiz," She said coldly.

"Ayun sakto, send mo na lang sa akin sa Facebook."

"Di tayo friends sa Facebook..."

"Add mo na lang ako," He said smoothly. The girl handed him her iPhone. He typed his name in and sent a friend request. He brought his iPhone out and accepted her friend request.

"Jill pala pangalan mo," He said. She didn't say anything in return. He wants this girl to notice him so he tries to make her smile by using one of his pick-up lines. Good thing he smoked a j before coming to class which made his eyes red.

"Namumula ba mata ko?" Jill turned towards him and squinted to look at his eyes.

"Oo! May sore eyes ka ata!"

"Wag mo na tingnan mata ko, baka ma in love ka lang." Enzo laughed, and so did Jill. She had a beautiful smile.

After class, Enzo headed towards Ministop to smoke a cigarette. He receives a call from this guy named Mike. Mike is a middle man in this drug business. Enzo is a low dealer.

"What's up?" Enzo said.

"Di ka pa nagbabayad ng utang mo. Subukan mo lang akong takasan. Pag di ka pumunta sa bahay ko mamaya at bayaran yung utang mo, papatayin kita."

Enzo hung up. He checked his pockets if he had any cash but unfortunately he came up empty handed. He tried to deal marijuana to some of his friends. He eventually came up with the money. He was about to leave school when a man in a cheap barong stopped him in his tracks.

"Sumama po kayo sa akin," the guy said.

"Wala akong ginagawang masama."

The guy led him to the disciplinary office. They found some marijuana joints in his bag. They came to a conclusion to expel him from the university. He didn't give a damn. He thought he can just live off dealing drugs. Anyway, he was making more money than he expected.

He left the disciplinary office and bumped into Jill. Jill asks him why he was in the disciplinary office. He told her the truth. She looked so turned off and disgusted when she found out and didn't even bother to console him. She walked away without saying anything.

He figured, it wasn't a loss. There were plenty of other girls, he thought. He exited the campus and got in his car to drive to Mike's house. He parked a block from Mike's condominium. He walked towards the big building straight ahead but he was stopped again in his tracks. Someone was trying to get his money. The man brought out a knife and attempted to strike Enzo with it. Enzo eventually gave up his money. He'll just tell Mike that he got robbed.

Mike's unit looked like a bachelor's pad. Enzo figured that if he could step up and be in the same position as Mike. He wouldn't mind living lavishly like Mike. He tried to explain to Mike what had just happened. Mike wouldn't believe him.

"Alam mo, Enzo, may mararating ka sana eh. Yayaman ka rin dapat katulad ko kasi mas ginusto mo akong lokohin."

"Mike, hindi kita niloloko. I already had the money. I got expelled dealing in school. Then I got robbed. Totoo tong sinasabi ko."

Mike didn't believe him. Mike walked towards his bedside table and pulled out a gun.

"Sorry, Enzo."

11.2 Sick

I was in a coffee shop with my girlfriend, Elaine. She was mad. I knew that. I just kept silent. I continued to sip my iced drink until it was empty. She shot me an angry look.

"What?"

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I continued to slurp my drink.

"Lennard! Can you just stop it?!"

She got up and left. Right then and there I knew she found my stash of dirty gay magazines underneath my bed. I never admitted it to anyone and she was the first to know. I didn't even feel bad. I didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation. I didn't feel the need to come out. If  was gay, I was gay. I'd continue to act like I've always acted. If anyone asked, then I'd say it.

***

I just came from lunch with my friends. I found out that one of my other gay friends has been telling everyone that I said Carlo and I had a thing. Carlo is as straight as a ruler. I knew that but I'd admit it, I was in love with him even if I knew he'd never be interested in me. I feel so stupid. Whatever. I'll soon get over it. I'm just happy my friends want to take me out tonight. Maybe I'll find someone.

We got to the club just before midnight. There was this cute guy standing alone by the bar. I need a drink.

"Hey, come here often?" I asked.

"Are you serious? You're going to use that line on me?" The guy laughed. And I laughed along with him.

"My name's Sel, by the way." I extended my arm out.

"I'm Lennard. Do you want a drink?"

His smile is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

***

Sel and I have been together for almost a year. I've never been happier. He paid for my law school tuition and for all my law books. Although I think my luck is running out. He's been getting sick recently. I don't know what's happening to him. I just try my best to take care of him. The other day he had a wound on his arm.

"Ano ba yan. Kung saan-saan ka sumusuot. Ayan tuloy may galis-aso ka." I laughed. He didn't say anything.

"Okay ka lang?"

"Samahan mo ako sa doktor bukas. Okay lang?"

"Of course. Anything for you."

***

A few days ago, Lennard and I went to the doctor and I took some tests. The doctor said he'd call when he got the results. I was in my study when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Sel, I have your test results and it doesn't look good."

"Ano ho ang sakit ko, doc?" I was worried. I wanted to cry.

"Sel, you have aids. I'm sorry."

Tears fell from my eyes. I couldn't hear what the doctor said after he told me the bad news. I just kept grunting. I hung up after I set up an appointment with him. I got up from my seat and walked towards my room and lay on my bed. I just laid there until the sun set.

***

"Sel?" I just got back from school and I couldn't find Sel anywhere. I went up to our room to check if he was there. He barely stays in the room during the day. He only comes up here when he wants to sleep. I found him lying on the bed.

"Sel, are you okay?" He turned away from me and began to cry.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I tried to touch him but he moved away.

"Lenny, don't touch me. Please."

"What's wrong?" He got up and sat on the bed.

"I have something very important to tell you and I don't care if you want to leave me after."

"I would never do that, Sel. What is it?"

"I have aids."

11.1 Tristan

Tristan is a college senior taking up Psychology. He is detached and lonely because he feels as if something is missing in his life. He can't bear to be around most people even if he wanted to. It makes him seem anti-social but he gets anxious and has panic attacks when he's around a lot of people.

He's in a classroom. The professor is talking about ethics. He can't bear to listen and sit still. He starts to shift in his seat. His professor looks at him but doesn't say anything. Tristan looks at his palms that are lying on the table in front of him. He starts to take deep breaths. The professor calls out his name. He doesn't like being called in class. He only recites when it is absolutely necessary. Someone behind him snickers.

"Tristan!"

The professor raises his voice and asks what's wrong. Tristan shakes his head. Soon, his entire body begins to shake. People are looking in his direction.

"Mr. De Leon!"

Tristan immediately stands up. The girl on his right laughs. He's getting pretty nervous at this point. He heads for the door.

"If you leave this room, there will be serious consequences, Mr. De Leon!"

He didn't care. He got to the parking lot, turned on his car's engine, and sped off. He finally arrived in his luxurious condominium in Makati. He parked his car and turned off the engine. He's out of breath. He realized he's been holding his breath for far too long. Now he's panting as he got out of the car. He walked briskly towards the main entrance of the condominium. The lady at the concierge greets him but he says nothing.

"Good afternoon, Sir Tristan."

He keeps his head down as he walks towards the elevator. The elevator is taking too long which is very unusual. His heart starts to raise and beads of sweat began to form on his forehead. He checks his watch. He has no idea why he's in such a hurry when he's already home. The ding of the elevator resonates throughout the entire lobby. He is startled. The door opens and he presses the number 5. He leans on the wall and began to take short breaths. When the elevator reached his floor, he repeatedly pressed the open button. He got out of the elevator of got his house keys from the back pocket of his jeans. He fumbles looking for the correct key and accidentally drops the set of keys. He picks it up and the door to his unit opens. It's his mother.

"Anak, bat ka namumutla?"

He just looks at her. There is silence. He is breathing heavily. His mother tries to touch his face but he steps back. He lowers his head and grunts and enters the door the same time his mom moves aside.

"Tristan, anak, yung gamot mo nasa bedside table mo na."

He stops in his tracks as his mom talks. When she finishes, he began to walk again, heading towards his room. His room is plain. A bed in the middle and nothing but a clock on his wall. He likes it this way. No fuss. Nothing. He grabs the pills from his bedside table and drinks it. He removes his shoes and lies down on top of the duvet on his bed. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. When he wakes up it is half past 3 in the morning. He calculates how long he has slept. 9 hours. He walks towards his window to see if she's still standing in the street outside.

She's there.

There's this beautiful girl standing outside a gas station. He's been watching her for the past few weeks. He'd watch her get picked up by random cars. On some nights, no one picks her up. He doesn't like talking to people but this girl interested him. His meds were working just fine because he didn't feel anxious. He actually felt very confident, which is rare for him. He walks out of his room and out of his house. He heads down to the lobby and walks out of the condominium. He headed towards the gas station to meet the girl. He doesn't hesitate.

"Hi," he says.

"1000," she says.

"Can I pay you after?"

"No."

"Pwedeng half now, half later?"

"You can't compel a creditor to accept a partial payment."

"Excuse me?"

"It's the law on obligations."

He handed her a thousand peso bill. He hails a cab and they both get in.

"Manong, magdrive ka lang. Ikaw na bahala kung saan mo gusto pumunta," he says.

"Kaya't ko mapan ti balay mi," the driver says.

Tristan doesn't mind the driver.

"You seem pretty smart if you know what the law is regarding obligations," he says.

"Well, I'm an educated girl."

"But why do you do this?"

"Why not? It's the easiest way to earn money."

"Fair point."

"So, saan tayo pupunta?"

"Gusto ko lang makipag-usap."

"What do you want to know?"

"Why don't you just get a regular job like everybody else?"

"Do you think I'm like everybody else?"

He laughs.

"I think you were once a privileged girl. You used to think that people can look past your pretty face but you came to accept that your gift is also a curse. You started sleeping around with people who gave you attention and this is where it got you."

"You got me pegged, huh?"

"I'm a psych major."

"More like a major psycho."

The driver began to slow down. "Boss, okay lang magpagasulina muna ako?"

"Sige lang, ho."

Tristan at this point is fuming. He doesn't realize his meds are wearing off. He can't believe that this girl just called him a psycho. He admits to himself that there's something wrong with him but he doesn't believe he's a psychopath.

He gets out of the cab and forces the girl to come with him. She protests but he pulls her violently.

"Don't forget I pay you. Now you're obliged to do what I paid you to do."

She gets out of the cab and follows him to the bathroom. In the bathroom he began to hit her when she got down on her knees. She yelped. Everything went black after and when things got clearer, he realized that he had just strangled the girl to death. People were knocking on the door. They must have heard the girl scream. His heart is beating extremely fast. His face is pale. He is sweating. He opens the door because he can't bear to hear the banging any longer.

"Hinold-up niya ako!"

He then began to run as fast as he could. He realizes someone is running after him. It's the cab driver. The cab driver gained on him pushed him on the ground and began punching him. Tristan blacked out.

10.7 Fearful

I just can't seem to grasp on that stable feeling where I know and feel I wont be harmed and hurt, no matter what. Sometimes I can feel i'm almost there, inches away to gripping an imaginary pole to feel stable.. but then I feel that i'm slowly being pulled away by something that's tangibly not even there... Until i realize it's something i really can't see and worse of all, something I can't fight.. fear. I don't like confrontation, especially if I know that i was to be blamed. I would be biased if I were to say I didn't deserve this because I really think I don't. It's really unfair that it's only me going through this but when I made that mistake that created my fear, I wasn't the only one present. People could just be so unforgiving. once you've made even the minute of all minute mistakes, they completely forget all the great things you've done for them in a flash. I hate the fact that I'm getting affected again. I try to keep myself whole and stable but it just keeps coming after me.. like a shadow i can't hide from. It's irritating and the feeling gets more horrendous every single time it resurfaces. I know I shouldn't let this get the best of me, or whatever's left of my dignity, that is. It's such a small thing that created a big scary monster called fear and the thought that it can crush me any moment makes my knees tremble and my head spin and it makes it much harder for me to scream for help. Yes, I know that i was wrong even though i wasn't the only one.. The only thing that's bothering me is that, it was hard for me to let go but i was able to. So why can't they?

10.6 Bakla!

Bwisit yung baklang yun! Bakit ba kasi niya kailangan ipagkalat na splinuk ko na nagka-keme kami ni Carlo! Wit kaya trulaloo yun! Nakainom at nalasing lang pero hindi ibig sabihin dapat sineseryoso ng mga tao ang mga pinagsasabi ko. Hello noh! Hindi ko na mahal si Carlo. Strong kaya ako! Ano ba tong pinagsasabi ko. Kung strong talaga ako, hindi ko siya dapat iniisip ngayon. Dapat wala na akong paki-alam kung sabihin man ng ibang tao na sinabi ko na nagkaroon kami ng kemehan. Pero baka magalit si Carlo sa akin. Baka isipin niya na pinagkakalat ko na may ganap sa amin pero wala naman talaga. Baka di na niya ako kausapin at hindi na rin niya ako pansinin. Eto na naman ako nagpapakatanga. Kala ko ba strong na ako? Eh ito, siya pa rin laman ng isip at diwa ko. Nakakainis na talaga eh. Di naman ako nagkulang sa kanya. Tinulungan ko siya! I was there for him when he needed me. Siguro nga may pagkukulang ako. Hindi ako isang ganap na babae. Ano bang magagawa ko eh binigyan ako ni Lord ng katawan ng lalaki pero ang puso ko’y nagmamahal parang isang babae. Kailan ko ba matatanggap na hindi bakla ang gusting mahalin ni Carlo. Paulit-ulit ko na lang nasasaktan ang aking sarili pero di pa rin ako madala-dala.

10.5 Problemang Nakabuntis?

Okay, tangina sobrang bad trip! Paano ko kaya sasabihin kay mommy? Tangina, di ko naman kasalanan eh pero sigurado ako hindi siya maniniwala. “Ma, aksidente lang.” NAKU sigurado akong hindi lang batok ang aabutin ko sa kanya. Maalaga naman ako. Bakit kailangan tong mangyari? Wala na akong mukhang ihaharap sa mga tao. Maingat akong tao. Ayoko yung nagkakamali ako o nakakasakit ng sarili o ng ibang tao. Nakakahiya naman to. Paano kaya kung magpanggap na lang ako na wala akong alam. Maghihintay na lang muna ako bago niya mapansin. At habang hindi pa niya napapansin pwede pa akong makapagisip ng pwedeng gawin tungkol sa sitwasyon na ito. “Ma, hindi ko napansin.” Pwede ko rin sigurong sabihin “Ma, hindi ako ang may kagagawan niyan.” Hay nako. Sinong niloko ko. Ako naman talaga may kasalanan. Pero aksidente lang talaga. Hindi ko to gusto mangyari. Hindi ko naman talaga napansin eh. Pero ako talaga may kagagawan. Ano bang malay ko na may nakalagay dun at naback-up-an ko. Unang una, hindi ko nakita. Tumingin naman ako sa rearview mirror pati sa side mirror. Ano bang malay ko? Katangahan talaga to eh. Boljack talaga ang aabutin ko sa nanay ko. Tiyak mauubusan ng laway yun sa kakasalita at kakasigaw at kakadada.

10.4 Baby Couerl

I can’t believe it! Today finally came! I’m so excited! Mom and Dad promised to take me to the toy store today. What should I get? What should I ask for? Maybe I new Barbie. Or maybe new Barbie dresses so I can just change the clothes of my Barbies at home. I need to choose fast or else I might get stuck again with another puzzle like last time. I hate puzzles! Don’t my parents know me? Just because I couldn’t pick a toy last time doesn’t mean I want a puzzle! A PUZZLE? What am I supposed to do with a puzzle? Maybe I should get one of those art sets or something. Does that count as a toy? Or does that count as a school supply? I could use some Play Doh! Or maybe those toy computers! Or maybe not. I mean, there’s a real computer at home with really fun games so I don’t think I need a toy computer. Would it be too much to ask for my own real computer? Is that a toy? I mean older people have those laptops or whatever. Do they consider it as toys? Maybe not. Sometimes they look so angry when they’re using it. Maybe it’s not fun. Maybe the games on their computers aren’t fun. AHHHH I still can’t decide what I want! Oh no. I’m going to get stuck with another puzzle, am I? NOOO!

10.3 Not So Scholarly

Pikon na pikon na talaga ako sa bwisit na prof na yun. Tangina akala mo kung makapagsalita! Siya na! Siya na ang hari ng katalinuhan! Tangina hindi naman magaling magturo! Patapos na yung term at wala pa rin akong natututunan. Tangina kasi parang palagi na lang siya nagpapacute sa class. What a stupid loser. My classmates will never go for an old douche like him! Tangina I can’t believe he made me pahiya in front of everyone. It’s not that easy to stand in front of people and answer all his stupid ass questions especially when I don’t know anything because he hasn’t taught anything! Puro siya dada ng dada wala naman sense yung mga pinagsasabi niya! I mean, okay sana kung merong sense. O kaya okay lang sana if the entire class is learning and is able to understand what that fucker is saying. Kaso wala eh! Lahat kami nakatunganga na lang buong class time. Sobrang sayang sa tuition! Tangina! Pwede kaya yun i-grievance? I mean sige, sure pass nga siya pero tangina, kung wala akong natutunan at binabayaran naming mga students ang sweldo ng gagong yun, eh puta, sayang lang! Tanga na rin siguro ako na ngayon ko lang to naisip at patapos na yung term. I should have told the admin, and I should have told them sooner. Fuck! I hate that fucker! Sobrang bad trip talaga. Bwisit! Tangina. Sira na araw ko.

10.2 Overthinker

“We’re good, right?” What’s that supposed to mean? Ano yun, parang bati ba kami? Hindi naman kami nag-away. Nagsosorry ba siya or is he saying we’re even? Hindi ko gets. Ano yung “We’re good, right,” napinagsasabi niya? Or ibig ba sabihin nun ay okay kami as in bagay kami? Hindi. HINDI PWEDE. Yuck! Hindi naman siya gwapo. Hindi ko naman siya crush. At sigurado ako. 100%. Hindi! 250%, hindi niya ako gusto. Hello. Hindi siya ganung kagwapo. Hindi rin naman ganun kaganda yung ugali niya. Oo, sige, siguro he’s a little bit gwapo. Parang may Daniel Padilla dating siya. But not the looks! Ugali lang. Ata. Well mabait siya… Ano ba tong pinagiisip ko. Kakasabi ko nga lang hindi maganda ugali niya tapos ngayon iisipin ko na mabait siya. Matapobre kaya siya! Purket nag-aral siya sa isang exclusive school nung high school at ako taga probinsya. Eh ano ngayon, mabait naman ako. Matalino. Funny. Yuck. Ano ba tong pinagsasabi ko. Parang sinasabi ko naman na ang pangit ko. Alam mo yung tipong pagtatanungin ka ng kaibigan mo “Gwapo ba siya?” Tapos sagot mo ay either a) He’s nice, b) He’s smart or, c) He’s funny. Parang sinabi ko yang lahat tungkol sa akin. Hindi naman ako pangit. Pero hindi rin naman ako ubod ng ganda. Sakto lang. Mala-Solenn lang. Chos! Ano ba tong pinagiisip ko. Hindi ko talaga siya crush. Promise. OA lang siguro ako mag-isip. Ayoko na bigyan ng meaning yang “We’re good, right” na yan. Pero di ko gets nung sinabi niya, “See you later.” May date ba kami mamaya? Magkikita ba kami? Like sure ba yun? ….